Saturday, May 23, 2009

Why Does Everything... EVERYTHING Have to be SO HARD?!

I... *sigh*

I don't want much, I swear. I SWEAR! I can't think of a single thing I need that I don't have... Except for one thing that I'd really, REEEEEEEEEALLY like. It would make me happy every day! It would provide something to do every day over the summer while my son is home, so I won't have to go to the effing park and mingle with THOSE FUCKING PEOPLE.

Have I ever told you about the Home School People that frequent the local park? hahaha! Of course I haven't, I just got here! Starting over is weird. -They show up with their van full of weird, too-old-for-a-giant-wooden-castle-kids, and set them free!!! Usually with at least some kind of nurf rifle, but I saw at least one get out with a fucking cross bow! The adults sit outside the play area, which is meant for kids between the ages of about 2 and 10 or so, while the 11-16 year old kids wreak havoc. They knock over the little ones, running right through them like they're not there, as they utilize said castle for games of War. I've seen them push them off swings... It's ridiculous! And I have a very low tolerance for that kind of bullshit. Inevitably, I end up stalking outside the play area, red faced and nearly psychotic, to bellow, "DO THESE WILD ANIMALS HAVE PARENTS ANYWHERE?"

It doesn't usually go all that well from that point. I think it's funny that the Home Schoolers are generally painted as Liberal Hippies who don't want to subject their offspring to the regiment of the various school system options, in my experience they strike me more as people afraid their children might be forced to learn some science in Science. Or some history in History.

But I digress. (Often, make a note of it.)

There is this one thing that I would love, carress every day, clean and pat and call George, that would save me from that kind of summer. It would allow me to make this year perhaps fun enough to make up for last year, which was suckalicious in every way.

A pool.

Not an elaborate, olympic sized in-ground pool, costing thousands. No, I'm pragmatic. We have a drain field and I'm sure it would be a nightmare. All I want is an Easy-Set, soft sided, above ground deal. We know right where it should go, as I can still kindof see where the previous owners put theirs. The yard is already pretty level, so just the ground cover should take care of prep.

I think that because it's not a permanant structure, no permits would be required, but in an attempt to be an upstanding citizen of these here United States, I have spent most of the morning trying to find local ordinances and such, so that we can go about this the right way. I remember hearing, a couple of years ago perhaps, that there were new requirements for securing above ground pools, to make the world safer for fence jumpers.

No, this did not entail stiffer fines and punishments for those who insist on invading private property. The requirements were for the pool owners, of course. Something about pools of a certain size needing fences of a certain height, with specific barbed wire and guard dogs, or something like that... I just wanted to know the details before buying the thing.

I can't find shit!

Then the Husband asked, "So... How do we fill it?"

"A hose?" Obviously, right? But then, before he could even go all man on me, I started thinking. An 18' pool holds almost 4 thousand gallons of water... Not only would that take forever with a garden hose, but we have a well. That's probably asking a bit much of it. So shit. How DO we fill the motherfucker?

"I think maybe you should check with the fire department."

"Whaaaaaaaaat?" I can just HEAR that phone call in my head! OH MY GOD, I'm gonna be their "shit for brains" story of the day! I mean, they don't hang out at the house to wait for people who need their pools filled, surely! I think they would cuss my ass out if I asked them to trot on by and fill 'er up. I would cuss me out for that.

"Yeah, I think that's who ya call." I began to grow skeptical. Maybe H doesn't want a pool. Maybe he doesn't want to make me cry, so he's pawning me off on the local fire men...

So that was another thing I repetedly tried to look up today. Fuck you, Google! Fuck you right in the ear! I've read how-to guides, owners manuals, "tips"... They all stop just short of where to get the fucking water! SON OF A BITCH! I went to every local water company web site, none of them offer any pool related option. *sob*

And yet, every dilapidated trailer I pass has one in the front yard.

I'm not giving up on you, George! I WILL swimm in your clear, fresh, crystaline waters this year, oh yes I will!

If you happen to know the procedure for this... Please put me out of my mysery. Please?


  1. Pools are generally filled with garden hoses. It just takes a long time. Although I can't speak to your well. In my experience mostly what firemen do IS sit around waiting. At least down here. They're probably a lot busier on the West Coast.

    Most of those ordinances should be readily available at your local city hall. SHOULD BE, being the operative term.

    I'm not sure home-schooled kids are assigned any political stereo-types. I think people just think they're weird and inbred. Personally the only home-schooler I've ever known is Mere.

    The crossbow thing is kind of disturbing. You can't just call the cops on them?

  2. OMG! I gotta go to city haaaaaaalllllll? (in my best whine)

    I only knew one home school kid, he talked his parents into letting him go to public school starting in 10th grade. He was a great guy, but very formal and shy. I liked him, we ended up working together, and I think he made a good choice. I'm sure he could feel the impending shock of joining the culture as an adult, it was smart to acclimate in advance. His family was pretty religious and conservative, but I drew no conclusions, as it was just one case. -The affiliation thing is just the scuttle butt I hear vs what I've noticed. *shrug*

    LOL! Well, I think it was originally a Nerf crossbow, but the padding had been removed. I'm sure he wouldn't have killed anyone, but I bet it would still hurt. It's just not appropriate for the park, or around toddlers. In fact, THEY should have been elsewhere. There's a baseball field, basketball nets, forest. It would have probably been more fun to play War in the woods- that's where I played it when I was a kid;p

  3. I stalk the mean kids at the park too and go all certified-teacher on them. My voice carries, and the confidence and authority of being a teacher never leaves you. Strange children obey me.

    It's a gift.

  4. I need some of that! Mostly I'm completely non threatening... I get no respect!

  5. That is funny and so true that it seems like all the trailer people have above ground pools. Here is an idea. Get a really long hose and hook it up to your neighbor's house late at night.

  6. I love the way you think, sir.

  7. We had one of those soft-side above ground pools a couple summers ago. But it wasn't the huge one, it was about the size of a hot tub and the water pretty much got to hot tub levels in August in Texas. Blech. I remember the day I came home and the husband had set it up in the backyard...that was the day we officially became rednecks.

  8. Hahahahaha! Well, I live in full on redneck territory, so I figured I might as well take advantage of this for once!

  9. Knock on one of the trailer guy's doors and tell him you'll pay him in Hot Pockets and PBR if he'll fill it for you, by any means necessary. Remember to *wink* at that last part. Big wink. Also sideways elbow jabbing works. Also that blow jay gesture with your tongue in your cheek, but later on you can deny you ever did that and that it must have been a horrible miscommunication. Because no pool is refreshing enough to wash away trailer jizz. Trust me.


    I won't say why... But I think they're on to my shenanigans... Clearly we think alike.

  11. My connection's good enough to read and leave comments, woot! Home schoolers freak me out too. I once dated one... not making that mistake again.