Ya know what sucks balls? Not being able to finish a thought!!!!! Especially when it is clearly an important one.
We were talking about our nephew, he's 15. I'm just gonna go ahead and tell you the truth: He's kind of an annoying putz. -I'm guessing that at 15, I too, was some kind of giant pain in the southy bits, but I already had the makings of who I am now.
I can remember moments when people, sometimes strangers out of nowhere, sometimes a trusted cousin, would offer bits of advice or encouragement that ring in my ears to this day. I knew the moments were important when they happened. Still, I was difficult to influence, so I had a lot of living to do. In defining moments though, I have always been who I really am. For whatever that's worth.
Totally different kinda pain, I guess, is what I'm saying.
Dicky hasn't had a beautiful childhood. There is much I don't know, but going on what I do know, sure, he's bound to have some kinks to work out. He's just already so damned good at Victim Face. And that is so dangerous.
I know it hasn't been easy, but nobody ever put a cigarette out on him. That sounds bitchy. I do have sympathy for his plight, but it's so easy to take The Victim Face and make it your whole life. And it's a fucking terrible shame! There can't be any happy in that!
I remember grinding my teeth and reminding myself that in X years I'd be 18. I had big plans for 18, let me tell ya! Sometimes I would chant, "Bide yer time. Biiiiide yer time." in my head as my Dad ranted IN MY FACE, spit flying, nostrils flaring, hurling insults a father shouldn't apply to his daughter. I've been jacked up. I've been kicked when I was down. -Nobody ever put a cigarette out on me!! Any inappropriate shit of a sexual nature only involved other kids, and I gather that's "normal"ish for the most part. There's definitely shit I just don't feel like talking about. It could have been much worse.
In the history of human suffering, I had acne. And maybe some rickets or something. Not a big deal.
Knowing that is both painful and freeing. -I feel pain for people who endure so much worse. It's hard to think of so many people with all the same feelings... Out there, suffering I don't even KNOW what.
But I can pitch mine up in the air with a hearty, "Fuck You!" You didn't get me. I knew. I knew every single day that I was going to get the fuck out and be happy.
And I can't help but think that that is what it takes to get there, as a person.
Most of the terribly wonderful people I know had to overcome some shit. I know people who had "everything" and appreciate nothing. I know people from all parts in between who fall from one end to the other, really. -But those really wonderful, admirable, good, smart people all have this one certain something in common. Maybe it's a concocotion that I'm over simplifying?
It's not victimy for sure though. -And I want to give him that. I want to make him understand that he can decide to do better than the examples he's been given.
But one of the problems is, his examples are all sexist, save for my husband. His dad and my ex-stepfatherinlaw... Oy vey. OY VEY!!!!! And his step-mom is somewhat literally some kind of coke whore. (coke, crack, meth- we've established that I don't know what's hot in junkidom these days).
Not good, people. His Mom is a lovable hot mess. (In truth, her stock went up from raging lunatic mess, she's made a lot of progress though!) His grandmother is sortof fantastic, but she sabataged her "good example" by being a 19 year stay-at-home-mom, vocal "feminist"* who ranted about evil men all the time in front of her husband (the checkbook), her two sons- one actual fucking genius (younger) and my husband, one of the most truly all around great mother fuckers I've ever met, I shit you not, and said Dicky... Which rounds out the female examples nicely with... Crazy.
And then there's me, a late comer. I have always tried to listen to him when he's trying to tell me something- because I think there's a shortage of that. And I've tried to be positive with him. I have only succeeded in convincing him that I'm the "nice but dippy" kind of girl. Which is a testament to how far he's shoved his head up his own ass.
I'm not nice.
But I see his eyes glaze over when I talk to him. And I want to choke him. It all just seems like part of an excuse not to try. And he could maybe be pretty good if he tried.
I just don't know what kind of magic shove it takes to tip the scales in those cases where its not inborn. Is it possible? When the person can't even put together that the opinions and ways of someone who mistreats you are probably FUCKED UP, and not the ones to emulate?
It's early yet, to expect him to let it go... But I can't help but want to rush that moment when he can drop the bags and begin to live.
I'm not always this long winded.
*"feminist" because she talked "the talk" without even knowing where the boots for the walking of the walk were located. And "the talk" was just sexism itself. That's not fucking right either. EQUAL, not better. Fuck. Right across the damned board.
On Becoming My Grandmother
3 months ago